The Awesome Easy Guide To Mundane Astrology!

The End Is Near (just like last time)

Mundane astrology is the art and science of using planetary positions to make world events. It's a lot of fun and very easy, provided that you follow a few simple rules.

"But wait a minute," you're saying. "Isn't astrology all big and complicated and stuff?" It certainly is. However human nature can easily be manipulated, or at the very least the human nature of enough people of a certain mindset to keep your power bill paid if you are a crafty astrologer.

Here's how it works:

Take a look at one or two placements of the outer planets, and ideally, an astrological aspect between one or more of them that is currently happening

Take a look back in history to the last time these positions happened. Example: Pluto was retrograde in early Aquarius in 1289 AD. That was the year the fall of Tripoli happened, in which the Crusader estate fell to Muslim troops.

And now? OMG WTF there's unrest in the Middle East! Okay, I know it's a stretch calling Tripoli the Middle East, but hey... if your audience has bought in so far they aren't going to stop to look things up or think things through or anything like that. Now is the time to sell your subscription service!

Make sure you garnish this thing with plenty of vague notions that lend themselves to popular conspiracy theories. I prefer the classic, vintage conspiracy theories that never really quite seem to pan out -- the names and details just change. Here is a list of spicy factoids that come in handy:

-There's a war coming or going on somewhere, and it's being motivated by powerful forces (just like every other major conflict)!

-Something something Bill Gates new technology something Jeffrey Epstein something!

-Public perceptions are/will be manipulated by advanced holograms! (This particular claim is especially helpful because it will weed out any remaining followers that have an actual working knowledge or even basic familiarity with how holograms work, or the state of the art in that particular field. This also applies to robot duplicates of politicians).

-There was a pandemic, there is a pandemic, will be a pandemic, all because THEY ARE LYING TO YOU! At this point, your audience is solidly on the hook because most people don't seem to realize that epidemics and pandemics have happened throughout history. The most noteworthy thing about COVID-19 is that it was a particularly long time historically speaking since something like that had broken out.

BONUS ROUND: toss in a bunch of references to The Matrix, "evolving into 5D," "hypergates," "the darkness," and "you are being hypnotized by the Mainstream Media."

You are now ready to harvest the money of your followers. What's even better is that you can change out your Mundane Astrology with a different conspiracy theory when say, for example, the UFOs don't invade as you had vaguely predicted. Then after a few years, you can recycle variations of what you predicted a few years ago that folks have forgotten in pursuit of their latest Doom Fix.

Or, you know... you could just look at the charts of countries. organizations, and individuals, then make reasonable predictions and get much better results. But that sort of thing is so much work!

…And did I mention my subscription service?

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